Some days are light and easy to carry. Some are heavy and it is a struggle to get to the end. On the worst days, the weight seems to be overwhelming.
The burden is always a strange thing. It has no mass, no source, no form. I cannot get my arms around it. If I could grasp it then maybe it could be set aside, but as soon as I believe I have a handle, it changes form. My friends and family can't see this burden and so they cannot offer help. I carry it alone. It frustrates me that I cannot see it myself. Make no mistake, though it seems invisible to the eye, it exists, making me tired as I struggle against it, its weight pressing upon me, draining my energy.
In the quiet of the night, I feel the weight most keenly. Maybe I have brought it onto my own shoulders. I don't remember hefting it. Maybe it has grown over time, one little grain of sand after another until the weight became overwhelming.
I have my coping tools though. I run. I run a lot. Sometimes I can outrun the feeling of dread and the pressure. I run out from under it, for a while..., but it catches up. When I'm running the weight seems manageable, least for a short time. If I could no longer run I think the weight would crush me.
I realize that I'm not special. Many people are burdened, struggling to get through the day. I hope that this understanding through experience will help me become more aware of others that are struggling to manage their day to its end. I hope I can see the weight someone is carrying and help them, for their sake and my own. Helping others manage their way, helps to make me stronger under my own burdens.
Authors note: I am fine. This may be one of the more personally intimate things I've written, and I don't want any readers to be concerned. We all of rough days and I wrote this, a while ago, at the end of one of my rougher days. I liked it though and I debated for a long time whether to publish it. I decided to go ahead and put it out there for reasons I may write about some other day.
Saturday, March 28, 2020
Knock and It Shall be Opened
God has a sense of humor. I have been a member of our church choir for many years. I have always been interested in singing the psalm, but never really had the courage to put myself out there. I did it once or twice over the 20 years I was the director, but only in emergencies when the only alternative was for it to be recited. I never felt confident about singing it. Frankly, I was afraid.The psalm in the Roman Catholic liturgy is taken from the book of psalms in the bible. It is an opportunity for the faithful to participate in the liturgy of the word. The psalm should be sung (though it can be recited). It is presented during the mass in a call/response format. The cantor sings a short response and the assembled faithful echo the response. Then the cantor sings a psalm verse with a very simple accompaniment, often just a chord struck on a piano or guitar, after which assembly sings the response again. There are generally 3 or 4 psalms verses separated by the response. The cantor sings alone and there is nowhere to hide if you miss a note and flub the words in some way.
In my quiet times of prayer, God would say to me "Do not be afraid, I want you to do this". I would reply that I wasn't afraid, it was simply that there were others, more qualified to present the psalm and, of course, it was important to have the most qualified singers present the psalm. The psalm is a critical part of the liturgy.
This went on for years. While I was directing we were blessed with many talented singers and there was always someone that could sing better. After I passed the director's baton to Jim, I still felt that presenting the psalm was something I was being called to do, but I could never muster the courage to volunteer. I knew that Jim would help me prepare, but it is amazing how creative you can be when it comes to the rationalization of inaction based on fear.
Then, one day, Jim came into practice and told the group that he had an issue with his vocal cords. He had been having some pain and the doctors told him he must rest his voice. He was told that if the situation didn't improve then surgery may be needed. It is important to understand that, in addition to being the director of the music ministry at St. Ambrose, Jim is a professional musician in a popular band, and the chairman of the music program at a local high school (and their choir teacher). His voice is critical to his ability to make a living. This was a pretty serious situation. He was singing at mass 3 times every weekend along with his responsibilities to his students and his band. Resting his voice was going to be a problem and I felt I had to find some way to help him out.
I thought about it and prayed about it and it didn't take long for me to understand that there were ways I could help. The psalm was something Jim had been preparing and presenting every week. I offered to take that on for him as often as I could. Jim readily agreed. It may not have been much, but it was something I could do to help him rest.
Jim worked with me on the psalm for the next Sunday. It wasn't a particularly complicated melody that week but it was plenty scary to me. One of our violinists (Tom, who is also a professional musician and accomplished guitarist) offered to play the guitar on the psalm so I would not be distracted by the extra attention required by my instrument. I remember rehearsing before mass. My knees were already shaking. My hands were sweating. In the quiet time before mass started something occurred to me.
The Lord had brought me to this point. This was something I was being called to do. I was doing it for all the right reasons with a humble heart and attitude of service. I recalled the story of Pentecost where the disciples, inspired by the Holy Spirit, began to preach and the people in the assembled crowd each heard them in their own language. I realized then that Spirit will transform what I do to suit God's desires. The assembled congregation will hear what God wants them to hear, what they need to hear. This revelation gave me substantial comfort. I knew I would put the words of God, the psalm, set to music, into the world and I prayed the Lord would have the words and music land on His people in the way they needed that day. Maybe I would make a mistake and someone would notice and dwell on the psalm that day and that was God's plan for them. Maybe that same mistake would be ignored or go unheard by others. Maybe some would hear a new voice, and pay attention in a way they had not before. Maybe some would sense the tremble in my voice and know they are not alone in facing a fearful situation. All I was called to do was to prepare thoroughly and use my gift to the best of my ability to put the words and music into the world. The rest was the business of God.
I don't remember many of the details of singing that first psalm, but I guess it went okay. I hit most of the notes and avoided stumbling over any of the words. My first inclination following the celebration of mass was to seek out someone who might give me some feedback on how they thought it went, but I stopped short of that. I decided that if I believed what was revealed to me, then looking for feedback was really looking for approval, looking for a foundation for a feeling of pride. This is vanity. I realized that so long as I take the responsibility of presenting the psalm seriously, and prepare in ways that allow me to present the psalm at the level I am capable, then the way it is perceived by the people is a concern of God not of me. If I fail to take the time to prepare, relying upon (testing?) God to make what I present perfect for his purpose then that is a wholly different issue. But it seems easy enough to understand that it was not appropriate for me to ask for feedback. After considering the situation a little, I decided that there was nothing wrong with accepting feedback graciously, listening carefully to constructive criticism and even feeling good when I felt I had done my best, but that is an entirely different situation than actively seeking validation.
I continued singing the psalm on Sunday and occasionally Saturday as well for a few weeks. Jim went to see a specialist and discovered that the issue was not with his vocal cords, per se, but was a side effect of a medication he was on. A change in the medication resolved the problem. This was very welcomed news for everyone. It was then I realized how God may have intended me to benefit from the situation. Certainly, there were intended impacts for Jim, his band, his students and his family. Maybe there were impacts on his doctors or nurses and on out in concentric circles of people touched by the situation. But, for me, I was led through a door that had been opened for some time, but from which fear had kept me from crossing the threshold.
These days I present the psalm fairly regularly. I try to keep my understanding
of my role at the forefront of my mind. I prepare as best I can and let the Spirit do God's will with those who hear what I present. I accept and appreciate feedback or criticism when it is given but I don't seek it out. That is hard, but I believe very integral to the nature of what I've been called to do.
This went on for years. While I was directing we were blessed with many talented singers and there was always someone that could sing better. After I passed the director's baton to Jim, I still felt that presenting the psalm was something I was being called to do, but I could never muster the courage to volunteer. I knew that Jim would help me prepare, but it is amazing how creative you can be when it comes to the rationalization of inaction based on fear.
Then, one day, Jim came into practice and told the group that he had an issue with his vocal cords. He had been having some pain and the doctors told him he must rest his voice. He was told that if the situation didn't improve then surgery may be needed. It is important to understand that, in addition to being the director of the music ministry at St. Ambrose, Jim is a professional musician in a popular band, and the chairman of the music program at a local high school (and their choir teacher). His voice is critical to his ability to make a living. This was a pretty serious situation. He was singing at mass 3 times every weekend along with his responsibilities to his students and his band. Resting his voice was going to be a problem and I felt I had to find some way to help him out.
I thought about it and prayed about it and it didn't take long for me to understand that there were ways I could help. The psalm was something Jim had been preparing and presenting every week. I offered to take that on for him as often as I could. Jim readily agreed. It may not have been much, but it was something I could do to help him rest.
Jim worked with me on the psalm for the next Sunday. It wasn't a particularly complicated melody that week but it was plenty scary to me. One of our violinists (Tom, who is also a professional musician and accomplished guitarist) offered to play the guitar on the psalm so I would not be distracted by the extra attention required by my instrument. I remember rehearsing before mass. My knees were already shaking. My hands were sweating. In the quiet time before mass started something occurred to me.
The Lord had brought me to this point. This was something I was being called to do. I was doing it for all the right reasons with a humble heart and attitude of service. I recalled the story of Pentecost where the disciples, inspired by the Holy Spirit, began to preach and the people in the assembled crowd each heard them in their own language. I realized then that Spirit will transform what I do to suit God's desires. The assembled congregation will hear what God wants them to hear, what they need to hear. This revelation gave me substantial comfort. I knew I would put the words of God, the psalm, set to music, into the world and I prayed the Lord would have the words and music land on His people in the way they needed that day. Maybe I would make a mistake and someone would notice and dwell on the psalm that day and that was God's plan for them. Maybe that same mistake would be ignored or go unheard by others. Maybe some would hear a new voice, and pay attention in a way they had not before. Maybe some would sense the tremble in my voice and know they are not alone in facing a fearful situation. All I was called to do was to prepare thoroughly and use my gift to the best of my ability to put the words and music into the world. The rest was the business of God.
I don't remember many of the details of singing that first psalm, but I guess it went okay. I hit most of the notes and avoided stumbling over any of the words. My first inclination following the celebration of mass was to seek out someone who might give me some feedback on how they thought it went, but I stopped short of that. I decided that if I believed what was revealed to me, then looking for feedback was really looking for approval, looking for a foundation for a feeling of pride. This is vanity. I realized that so long as I take the responsibility of presenting the psalm seriously, and prepare in ways that allow me to present the psalm at the level I am capable, then the way it is perceived by the people is a concern of God not of me. If I fail to take the time to prepare, relying upon (testing?) God to make what I present perfect for his purpose then that is a wholly different issue. But it seems easy enough to understand that it was not appropriate for me to ask for feedback. After considering the situation a little, I decided that there was nothing wrong with accepting feedback graciously, listening carefully to constructive criticism and even feeling good when I felt I had done my best, but that is an entirely different situation than actively seeking validation.
I continued singing the psalm on Sunday and occasionally Saturday as well for a few weeks. Jim went to see a specialist and discovered that the issue was not with his vocal cords, per se, but was a side effect of a medication he was on. A change in the medication resolved the problem. This was very welcomed news for everyone. It was then I realized how God may have intended me to benefit from the situation. Certainly, there were intended impacts for Jim, his band, his students and his family. Maybe there were impacts on his doctors or nurses and on out in concentric circles of people touched by the situation. But, for me, I was led through a door that had been opened for some time, but from which fear had kept me from crossing the threshold.
These days I present the psalm fairly regularly. I try to keep my understanding
of my role at the forefront of my mind. I prepare as best I can and let the Spirit do God's will with those who hear what I present. I accept and appreciate feedback or criticism when it is given but I don't seek it out. That is hard, but I believe very integral to the nature of what I've been called to do.
Discerning Gifts
I took my family to a community theater production one evening a while ago. The show was a review of the theater company's 30 years of musicals. It was fun to spend the evening at the theater with my family and the show was excellent.
The theater was set up in a cabaret-style. I was seated right in front of the stage with my wife. My daughters were seated at a table just to my right, their excitement and anticipation bubbling across the table to join with my own. We were served desserts and coffee before the show. Then, after some brief introductions, the performance began. The singing was wonderful. The actors filled the space with energy and that energy was absorbed by the audience like greenhouse plants absorbing the sunlight, and then the energy was reflected back to the actors in a perpetual cycle for the entire show. These performers had the talent of professionals, a nearly tangible love for their art and a sincere desire to share the music and emotion with the community.
As I sat and listened I began thinking about my skills and what fun it would be to participate on stage. I did a little acting in high school and a little in college; took a couple acting classes, was in a few productions. I loved it. The skills I developed through those experiences have served me well in many other areas of my life. I harbor no illusions about my skill though. My particular talents are not that of a professional. I am also well aware that participating in the production of a show requires time and focus commitment that is beyond what I have to offer. So that begs the question, what do I have to offer and to whom?
For many years now my most creative outlet has been through the contemporary choir at my church. I've directed, and played the guitar and sang. This was, necessarily, never a performance. It was and continues to be, a venue for me to make use of the talents I have been blessed with for a wholly (holy?) other purpose than entertainment. The role of the church musician allows me to put positive energy into a community. The difference from a performance is that all the energy is meant to be directed to God who, through his Spirit returns that energy to us (me) as his grace and blessing. The offering is the focus and intent. Grace and blessings are unsolicited gifts.
The stage is different. The focus is on the audience and the thrill is the energy exchange between the actors and the audience, back and forth in a direct fashion. The intent if the gratification of both. I have been part of that process and it is incredible and awesome when it clicks. When it doesn't, it is drudgery.
So where do these two creative outlets converge? I'm not really sure. Maybe that's why this particular post has sat in draft form for so long. The discernment of the answer eludes me.
The stage is different. The focus is on the audience and the thrill is the energy exchange between the actors and the audience, back and forth in a direct fashion. The intent if the gratification of both. I have been part of that process and it is incredible and awesome when it clicks. When it doesn't, it is drudgery.
So where do these two creative outlets converge? I'm not really sure. Maybe that's why this particular post has sat in draft form for so long. The discernment of the answer eludes me.
Sunday, March 1, 2020
Grateful on Thanksgiving
It is Thanksgiving morning 2019. Today I am feeling both grateful and thankful.
I am grateful for the sacrifices others have made on my behalf and for the opportunities that I have had presented to me. I am grateful to my teachers, mentors, and friends who have spent with me though they may not have understood the value of it to me. I am grateful to those who took the calculated risks with their life's journey that ultimately led to opening opportunities for me, not the least of which are my father and mother and grandparents. These people made decisions that affected my world. They made the decisions intentionally for that reason, to allow their children and grandchildren to be in a position for a better life.
I am grateful for the sacrifices others have made on my behalf and for the opportunities that I have had presented to me. I am grateful to my teachers, mentors, and friends who have spent with me though they may not have understood the value of it to me. I am grateful to those who took the calculated risks with their life's journey that ultimately led to opening opportunities for me, not the least of which are my father and mother and grandparents. These people made decisions that affected my world. They made the decisions intentionally for that reason, to allow their children and grandchildren to be in a position for a better life.
I am thankful that I slept in a warm bed last night next to my wonderful, beautiful wife. When I got out of bed, the furnace warmed the house when I pressed a button. The lights went on when I flipped a switch. I had a hot cup of coffee as I sat and considered my blessings.
There is food in my cupboard and beer in my fridge. I have the choice of what I want to eat today and good food is easily accessible to me. I took a hot shower and I have clean, warm clothes to wear. My girls are home, healthy and laughing. My son and daughter-in-law won't be home but I am thankful that it is because they are moving to a nicer apartment this weekend. I'm excited for them.
I am thankful today for what I have been truly blessed with and I am grateful to those who came before me, who took risks and made sacrifices so I could have the opportunities to succeed and the understanding of what it takes to excel.
I am thankful today for what I have been truly blessed with and I am grateful to those who came before me, who took risks and made sacrifices so I could have the opportunities to succeed and the understanding of what it takes to excel.
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