God has a sense of humor. I have been a member of our church choir for many years. I have always been interested in singing the psalm, but never really had the courage to put myself out there. I did it once or twice over the 20 years I was the director, but only in emergencies when the only alternative was for it to be recited. I never felt confident about singing it. Frankly, I was afraid.The psalm in the Roman Catholic liturgy is taken from the book of psalms in the bible. It is an opportunity for the faithful to participate in the liturgy of the word. The psalm should be sung (though it can be recited). It is presented during the mass in a call/response format. The cantor sings a short response and the assembled faithful echo the response. Then the cantor sings a psalm verse with a very simple accompaniment, often just a chord struck on a piano or guitar, after which assembly sings the response again. There are generally 3 or 4 psalms verses separated by the response. The cantor sings alone and there is nowhere to hide if you miss a note and flub the words in some way.
In my quiet times of prayer, God would say to me "Do not be afraid, I want you to do this". I would reply that I wasn't afraid, it was simply that there were others, more qualified to present the psalm and, of course, it was important to have the most qualified singers present the psalm. The psalm is a critical part of the liturgy.
This went on for years. While I was directing we were blessed with many talented singers and there was always someone that could sing better. After I passed the director's baton to Jim, I still felt that presenting the psalm was something I was being called to do, but I could never muster the courage to volunteer. I knew that Jim would help me prepare, but it is amazing how creative you can be when it comes to the rationalization of inaction based on fear.
Then, one day, Jim came into practice and told the group that he had an issue with his vocal cords. He had been having some pain and the doctors told him he must rest his voice. He was told that if the situation didn't improve then surgery may be needed. It is important to understand that, in addition to being the director of the music ministry at St. Ambrose, Jim is a professional musician in a popular band, and the chairman of the music program at a local high school (and their choir teacher). His voice is critical to his ability to make a living. This was a pretty serious situation. He was singing at mass 3 times every weekend along with his responsibilities to his students and his band. Resting his voice was going to be a problem and I felt I had to find some way to help him out.
I thought about it and prayed about it and it didn't take long for me to understand that there were ways I could help. The psalm was something Jim had been preparing and presenting every week. I offered to take that on for him as often as I could. Jim readily agreed. It may not have been much, but it was something I could do to help him rest.
Jim worked with me on the psalm for the next Sunday. It wasn't a particularly complicated melody that week but it was plenty scary to me. One of our violinists (Tom, who is also a professional musician and accomplished guitarist) offered to play the guitar on the psalm so I would not be distracted by the extra attention required by my instrument. I remember rehearsing before mass. My knees were already shaking. My hands were sweating. In the quiet time before mass started something occurred to me.
The Lord had brought me to this point. This was something I was being called to do. I was doing it for all the right reasons with a humble heart and attitude of service. I recalled the story of Pentecost where the disciples, inspired by the Holy Spirit, began to preach and the people in the assembled crowd each heard them in their own language. I realized then that Spirit will transform what I do to suit God's desires. The assembled congregation will hear what God wants them to hear, what they need to hear. This revelation gave me substantial comfort. I knew I would put the words of God, the psalm, set to music, into the world and I prayed the Lord would have the words and music land on His people in the way they needed that day. Maybe I would make a mistake and someone would notice and dwell on the psalm that day and that was God's plan for them. Maybe that same mistake would be ignored or go unheard by others. Maybe some would hear a new voice, and pay attention in a way they had not before. Maybe some would sense the tremble in my voice and know they are not alone in facing a fearful situation. All I was called to do was to prepare thoroughly and use my gift to the best of my ability to put the words and music into the world. The rest was the business of God.
I don't remember many of the details of singing that first psalm, but I guess it went okay. I hit most of the notes and avoided stumbling over any of the words. My first inclination following the celebration of mass was to seek out someone who might give me some feedback on how they thought it went, but I stopped short of that. I decided that if I believed what was revealed to me, then looking for feedback was really looking for approval, looking for a foundation for a feeling of pride. This is vanity. I realized that so long as I take the responsibility of presenting the psalm seriously, and prepare in ways that allow me to present the psalm at the level I am capable, then the way it is perceived by the people is a concern of God not of me. If I fail to take the time to prepare, relying upon (testing?) God to make what I present perfect for his purpose then that is a wholly different issue. But it seems easy enough to understand that it was not appropriate for me to ask for feedback. After considering the situation a little, I decided that there was nothing wrong with accepting feedback graciously, listening carefully to constructive criticism and even feeling good when I felt I had done my best, but that is an entirely different situation than actively seeking validation.
I continued singing the psalm on Sunday and occasionally Saturday as well for a few weeks. Jim went to see a specialist and discovered that the issue was not with his vocal cords, per se, but was a side effect of a medication he was on. A change in the medication resolved the problem. This was very welcomed news for everyone. It was then I realized how God may have intended me to benefit from the situation. Certainly, there were intended impacts for Jim, his band, his students and his family. Maybe there were impacts on his doctors or nurses and on out in concentric circles of people touched by the situation. But, for me, I was led through a door that had been opened for some time, but from which fear had kept me from crossing the threshold.
These days I present the psalm fairly regularly. I try to keep my understanding
of my role at the forefront of my mind. I prepare as best I can and let the Spirit do God's will with those who hear what I present. I accept and appreciate feedback or criticism when it is given but I don't seek it out. That is hard, but I believe very integral to the nature of what I've been called to do.
This went on for years. While I was directing we were blessed with many talented singers and there was always someone that could sing better. After I passed the director's baton to Jim, I still felt that presenting the psalm was something I was being called to do, but I could never muster the courage to volunteer. I knew that Jim would help me prepare, but it is amazing how creative you can be when it comes to the rationalization of inaction based on fear.
Then, one day, Jim came into practice and told the group that he had an issue with his vocal cords. He had been having some pain and the doctors told him he must rest his voice. He was told that if the situation didn't improve then surgery may be needed. It is important to understand that, in addition to being the director of the music ministry at St. Ambrose, Jim is a professional musician in a popular band, and the chairman of the music program at a local high school (and their choir teacher). His voice is critical to his ability to make a living. This was a pretty serious situation. He was singing at mass 3 times every weekend along with his responsibilities to his students and his band. Resting his voice was going to be a problem and I felt I had to find some way to help him out.
I thought about it and prayed about it and it didn't take long for me to understand that there were ways I could help. The psalm was something Jim had been preparing and presenting every week. I offered to take that on for him as often as I could. Jim readily agreed. It may not have been much, but it was something I could do to help him rest.
Jim worked with me on the psalm for the next Sunday. It wasn't a particularly complicated melody that week but it was plenty scary to me. One of our violinists (Tom, who is also a professional musician and accomplished guitarist) offered to play the guitar on the psalm so I would not be distracted by the extra attention required by my instrument. I remember rehearsing before mass. My knees were already shaking. My hands were sweating. In the quiet time before mass started something occurred to me.
The Lord had brought me to this point. This was something I was being called to do. I was doing it for all the right reasons with a humble heart and attitude of service. I recalled the story of Pentecost where the disciples, inspired by the Holy Spirit, began to preach and the people in the assembled crowd each heard them in their own language. I realized then that Spirit will transform what I do to suit God's desires. The assembled congregation will hear what God wants them to hear, what they need to hear. This revelation gave me substantial comfort. I knew I would put the words of God, the psalm, set to music, into the world and I prayed the Lord would have the words and music land on His people in the way they needed that day. Maybe I would make a mistake and someone would notice and dwell on the psalm that day and that was God's plan for them. Maybe that same mistake would be ignored or go unheard by others. Maybe some would hear a new voice, and pay attention in a way they had not before. Maybe some would sense the tremble in my voice and know they are not alone in facing a fearful situation. All I was called to do was to prepare thoroughly and use my gift to the best of my ability to put the words and music into the world. The rest was the business of God.
I don't remember many of the details of singing that first psalm, but I guess it went okay. I hit most of the notes and avoided stumbling over any of the words. My first inclination following the celebration of mass was to seek out someone who might give me some feedback on how they thought it went, but I stopped short of that. I decided that if I believed what was revealed to me, then looking for feedback was really looking for approval, looking for a foundation for a feeling of pride. This is vanity. I realized that so long as I take the responsibility of presenting the psalm seriously, and prepare in ways that allow me to present the psalm at the level I am capable, then the way it is perceived by the people is a concern of God not of me. If I fail to take the time to prepare, relying upon (testing?) God to make what I present perfect for his purpose then that is a wholly different issue. But it seems easy enough to understand that it was not appropriate for me to ask for feedback. After considering the situation a little, I decided that there was nothing wrong with accepting feedback graciously, listening carefully to constructive criticism and even feeling good when I felt I had done my best, but that is an entirely different situation than actively seeking validation.
I continued singing the psalm on Sunday and occasionally Saturday as well for a few weeks. Jim went to see a specialist and discovered that the issue was not with his vocal cords, per se, but was a side effect of a medication he was on. A change in the medication resolved the problem. This was very welcomed news for everyone. It was then I realized how God may have intended me to benefit from the situation. Certainly, there were intended impacts for Jim, his band, his students and his family. Maybe there were impacts on his doctors or nurses and on out in concentric circles of people touched by the situation. But, for me, I was led through a door that had been opened for some time, but from which fear had kept me from crossing the threshold.
These days I present the psalm fairly regularly. I try to keep my understanding
of my role at the forefront of my mind. I prepare as best I can and let the Spirit do God's will with those who hear what I present. I accept and appreciate feedback or criticism when it is given but I don't seek it out. That is hard, but I believe very integral to the nature of what I've been called to do.
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